Disappointing God

Yesterday, my son had a moment of heartbreaking grief. He turned to me weeping and wailing. Why such a reaction from him? I told him he had "disappointed me" because he disobeyed his teacher.

It was unexpected, to be honest. I truly didn't think that such a comment would have an affect on him. I figured it would be in one ear and out the other. But it didn't. It stuck. It left a mark.

I thought back to my own feelings of disappointment. When I felt forgotten by God. When I felt alone in my grief and pain, knowing that He was still there, but disappointed that I didn't see Him through actions on my behalf-that He didn't fix everything for me, that my path was still full of brambles and shadows. 

Did He feel hurt by my disappointment? 

What about all the times I disappointed Him? Did I grieve, cry and wail when I knew I had fallen short of what HE told  me to do? Or did it come through one ear and out the other. Did I beg for forgiveness. or just brush it off. Was my heart broken by the knowledge that I had hurt my best Friend?

When I saw my baby crying, I gathered him into my arms and held him close, rubbing his hair back from his face and wiping the tears from his cheeks. I told him "Baby I forgive you. It's ok. I love you. Mommy was disappointed by your disobedience, but you apologized and I forgive you". He calmed down and cuddled for a minute before running off to his favorite computer game.

Thank you God for your mercy and grace when we disappoint you with our disobedience. And thank you for not walking away when we feel disappointed by You.

Why I Stink At Being a Mom.

I really don't like to cook. Bake, yes, but "cook" a meal...not so much.

My kids watch TV. Yo Gabba Gabba is simply divine-and teaches wonderful skills like "don't, don't, don't bite your friends".

My kids socks don't usually match. I mean seriously, no one can see them, and they don't mind. There are so many of the darn things, that I consider it a success if they are the same color.

I tell my children "NO". AND I let them have tantrums in public. I am not going to give in to my childs demands so that people around me are more comfortable.

I don't vaccinate my kids anymore. THAT one right there would be grounds for DCF taking them away, in some  places. Yeah, no thanks, not putting those chemicals in my kids.

I don't do play dates.

I am not on the PTA, the PTO, or any advisory committee at my sons school.


Even with all this bad parenting, I am (relatively) optimistic that they won't hate me when they grow up.

It's Not Just About Autism

In light of some recent news articles and televised interviews with some leading autism community members and their detractors, I felt like I needed to explain a little, and perhaps shed some light on "how" I have come to the conclusions I have.

For me, my life changed the day he received his 18 month shots He seemed to be right on track developmentally and then within hours I saw a change. In the months that followed, he continued in that downward spiral, losing language and skills.

After years of therapies, he is doing great, but one of the results of his diagnosis is that I have become a "Vaccine Safety Advocate".

People probably think that as someone who considers themselves a "Vaccine Safety Advocate", that I was always that way, that I am a Super-Hippie who encourages grass-eating and a razor-free life.

I used to shake my head at  Hippie's who were so anti-establishment they didn't care that mercury was no longer used in vaccines, which a basic search of the CDC website will inform you of that "fact". "Stop freaking people out just so you can add another feather to your holistic life-style" were the thoughts in my head when I would talk to friends who were scared of vaccinating. I didn't know then that the Vaccine safety movement was about so much MORE than mercury.

When Samuel regressed, I read everything I could get my hands on. I was even willing to put all the blame on myself, that I somehow "broke" him by bad parenting. But the more I have read, the more I believe that in Samuel's situation, his vaccinations were a tipping point in his becoming autistic.

I am not Anti-Vaccine. I do, however, believe that parents should be better informed about what is IN them. Did you know that aluminum is a listed ingredient? And that Alzheimers (which is linked to aluminum) is on the rise? It's not just about autism-it's about the health of children in general. It's about a parent's right to choose how they want to raise their children. And IF you choose to fully vaccinate your child according to the CDC's schedule, that is YOUR right and I support it.

If I could go back to the day, 4 years ago, when I decided to check out this autism/vax link before my child's shots, I would do one thing differently. I would have done more than read only the CDC's FAQ's. Maybe then, in that extra 15 minutes of reading, I would have come across this website generationrescue.org/science and read about different studies that bring to light the real risks of those little vials we inject into our children.

It's about more than JUST autism. The debate is about more than JUST mercury. It's a bigger debate about what goes into the things our bodies consume, and we do our children a disservice by allowing news organizations and pharmaceutical companies to continue to use straw-man tactics to clutter up the message that most parents, like myself, want to communicate.